This week, I just have to share something...
Not long ago, I had been trying to come up with ways to deal with behavior problems. Currently, we're experiencing the "terrible threes" (which, if you didn't know, can be much more painful than the "terrible twos"), and I'd like to use something a little different from the threat of corporal punishment or timeout.
In fact, I wanted to get away from threats in general.
I hate the fact that my three-year-old has learned the value of threats--from me. After hearing me say things like, "If you don't put your shoes on in two minutes, we are not going to the park to be chased by the ducks," and "If you don't pick up Mr. Potato head and all his various limbs and sensory organs, you are going to have to go sit in your pink chair," my daughter got the hang of a good threat. (By the way, a comfortable time out chair is not effective--just so you know.)
In fact, just the other day my daughter warned, "If you don't get me some crackers, I am not going to talk to you." Okay, so maybe my first response was "Oh I'd like to see that happen," and maybe her wording needs some work, but I can definitely hear myself in that little voice.
The thing is, I don't sit in the anti-spanking camp, but I do find the irony in hitting a child to discipline him or her for lashing out. But the value of timeouts has started to fade, especially when my daughter chose timeout over helping me pick up the other day (who wouldn't want to sit in a big pink chair instead of cleaning?). What to do?
Well, two different moms suggested something with which we've experienced great success, at least over the past few months. The idea falls in line with a sticker chart for performing chores or using the potty, but it comes with a built-in consequence. Let me explain:
Step one - Find a jar or large glass (maybe something plastic if you have a monkey-climber, mischievous one-year-old like I do). Choose something transparent but fun.
Step two - Get something to fill it with. Suggestions range from marbles (also a problem with the one-year-old, who eats everything, and I mean everything, including still-alive, squirming, larger-than-life beetles) to colored pom poms (look in the craft section of the store) to cotton balls (easy and costs a dollar-ish).
Step three - Buy a swoon-worthy prize, nothing too expensive or fancy, but that gets those little eyes to light up like Christmas.
Step four - Reward good behaviors (talking/playing nice with siblings, helping Mom pick up, doing chores without being asked, finishing veggies, etc.) with a cotton ball.
Step five - And here it is! Take away a cotton ball (or whatever) when your child misbehaves. Yes, this may mean you threaten him or her once. But don't do it over and over--just take the cotton ball out. I have found that when I tell my child I am unhappy with her behavior, she automatically knows this means she will lose a cotton ball, and her behavior overall has improved. Becky Scharf, mother of four and administrator for Stepping Stones Mothers Day Out, takes it a step further: "I have them put the marbles in and take them out themselves so it is more concrete for them to see their reward or consequence," she explains. Can you say "effective"?
I mean, it's not magic. I haven't found the Holy Grail of discipline or anything, but it has made a difference, and with kids at any age, that's all you can ask.
For more ideas about how to discipline without losing your cool, check out these ideas.
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