Perfectly imperfect - Weathering rough waters

We all have our moments. You know, the those times when you struggle to do what's right, act the way you should, or take the right road. The ones where you might as well be a toddler, because you're throwing a tantrum or need a time out.

Well, our kids have those moments too.

None of us are perfect. We are human. We can try to be the perfect person...the perfect friend...the perfect employee...the perfect parent. But doing everything right all the time just doesn't happen. Consequently, our children are just as human as we are, and you know what? That's okay.

But because you are the parent, what do you do when you run into the same behavioral problem time and time again? How do you handle a lapse in judgment or motivation in your child, while still accepting they're not always going to do things right?

Well, like so many of you, I'm a parent-in-training. In fact, I'm not sure any of us will ever actually graduate from that. And that's because every stage of life - both in ours and in our children's - presents us with new challenges. But when it comes to the challenge of overcoming difficult behavior, I was able to lean on some local experts to get some pointers.

Listen. The number one thing a parent can do when a child is struggling is try to gain a sense of what the root of the problem may be. That means you have to hear what your child has to say and go from there. Jackie Shaw, a licensed professional counselor and the director of Edmond Family Counseling recommends, "A goal to strive for is this: the ability to listen nonjudgmentally! This is very difficult but worth the effort. Sometimes young people don't want advice; they want to be heard."

Be a team. Sometimes, showing your kids that you guys are both on the same side will help them overcome an issue. "Collaborate with your children," says Evan Tims, a Counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary. She adds it's important to communicate that you care about your child, especially his or her success in school and life beyond. Telling your children that you are on their side, that you are intervening in problematic behavior for their benefit, goes a long way toward solving the problem.

Communicate. Did I just say something about communicating? I did! But this can go beyond talking to (and listening to) your child. Cordell Ehrich, principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond, encourages parents to schedule a meeting with teachers or school counselors if their children are struggling to behave in their environment. "The school is a resource for parents, and we want to help you overcome any problems."

Give...and take. At the end of the day, discipline is a parent's responsibility. Even if you listen to your child and try to talk through the problem, the appropriate way to address a problem ultimately comes down to understanding your child and what restrictions/grounding will motivate him or her to modify personally destructive behaviors. However, Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, had this to say about raising his kids: "We explained to them that they each earned/gained the right to be treated as adults based on the way they conducted themselves." I can say that, when I was a child, I was definitely motivated to gain more independence and trust, and  my behavior reflected that desire. Some kids will respond to the promise (and responsibility) of freedom more proactively than others, but using autonomy as a reward for good behavior has one big benefit: we all must learn to be responsible eventually.

Well, that wraps up this series on perfectly imperfect parenting. I hope you've learned what you could from my awesome panel of experts, as well as discovered things about what type of parent you want to be.

And stay tuned next month for something a little less intense...taking time out for yourself!

Perfectly imperfect - Being the best parent you can be

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a perfect parent. I would rock my baby in a perfectly decorated nursery, and she would immediately drift off to sleep. I would beam as my child executed perfect manners, making him the teacher's pet. Finally, my child would run across the stage to grab his or her high school diploma, shouting "I got into Harvard! With a full ride scholarship!"

And then, cold hard reality hit me in the face.

Being a parent is one of the best jobs in the world. It's also one of the most challenging, unnoticed, and frustrating ones. For example, if you sit in a restaurant (movie theater, airplane, etc.) and your child behaves, no one notices. If your child has a nuclear meltdown, the raised eyebrows and frowns of strangers abound, and you are effectively relegated to "poor parenting" status. The problem is, your child might be both angelic and horrendous on different days (or even the same one).

They're kids.

So how do you know if you're doing a good job? How do you know if you're doing a poor job, or a fantastic one? Is there a parenting measuring stick? How do you succeed at parenting? How do you survive it?

Well, I'm the first to tell you I won't be earning any parenting gold stars in the near future. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I feed ice cream for dinner. Sometimes I buy a toy just for the heck of it, and sometimes I really, really just want my kids to go to school and leave me alone. But on the same note, I love, love, LOVE my kids. I'd do anything for them. I know this, because every time I see a big dog, I jump in front of my kids (and not only am I scared of big dogs myself...I also kind of like my face). But how do I make sure I'm giving my children what they really need from me?

Well, in the interest of answering those questions, I've again leaned on some local experts, including a school principal, a guidance counselor, a family counselor, and a parent of four grown children. One thing they all emphasized is the importance of communication at any age, but they also had a great deal more to share. So here's the lineup for August...

August 14 - The power of presence. During my interviews, I found that a prevailing theme, in addition to communication, appeared to be simply being a presence in your child's life. The local experts share their thoughts on how to do just that.

August 21 - Connecting to your child's world. What does it really mean to be an involved parent? Is it all the chauffeuring? Leading the Girl Scout troupe? Attending every practice? I'll share some tips on how you can make sure you're connecting with what matters to your child.

August 28 - Weather rough waters. Finally, no one is perfect. Our children will have difficult moments. Some will have more challenges than others. How can you, as a concerned parent, work with your child and others to help overcome misbehavior? We'll tackle the question head on.

So stay tuned! It promises to be an interesting month. But at the end of it, I hope you know what it means to be a perfectly imperfect parent.

Let's do homework! Teachers' wise words on getting the job done...

I don't know much about inspiring my kids to do homework (I mean, is anyone ever inspired to do homework?). However, I do know my parents' "take no prisoners" approach caused me to be meticulous about completing assignments, something I carried with me into my college years. An approach that worked well for me--that continues to work well with me--is delayed gratification. Once I get the hard stuff out of the way (studying, cleaning house, paying bills, etc.), then I can play. Simple, yes. But it doesn't work for everyone.

So, in order to seek out methods for helping today's kiddos, who carry technology around like a vital organ, I talked to a group of friends who-are-teachers to get their suggestions on how to motivate children to take homework seriously, as well as learn habits that will last a lifetime (or at least through college graduation). I found myself impressed, amused, and yes, even surprised at what they suggested.

Don't make it a fight. Kids buck orders. Really, I think most of us do, independent creatures that we are. Give your kid a choice: do your homework now, or give up something fun later (outside playtime, television, games, or an activity). If they choose to play outside first, say, "Okay," but give them a limited amount of time with the caveat, "If you did this now, you wouldn't have to worry about it the rest of the night."

Setting aside the time. Kids often have short attention spans. One teacher friend suggested setting a timer for homework in fifteen- or twenty-minute intervals and giving a certain amount of free time (or a "break") in between. She also suggests a rewards-based system, including sticker charts for younger children and changing the Wi-Fi password and giving it to older children when they complete their work.

Different strokes for different folks. And continuing on the rewards track...as adults, we're motivated by a paycheck and free time, am I right? Well, kids of all ages are also motivated by material rewards ("the paycheck"), as well as free time and autonomy. Find out what makes your child tick (TV time, computer time, privileges, special prizes, etc.) and then use it as a reward when they accomplish what needs to be done. Sometimes, this means balancing passions with challenges. For example, one of my teacher friends, Katie Scott, explains her motivation techniques for her elementary school class and her own children:

"Motivation is more about creating motivation within the child...what are they driven by? I try to motivate my own kids and students by finding their passions. I look at their learning styles--how do they learn? If reading is the most difficult, but they love together time, read with your child, take turns on each page. If writing is difficult, create some fun with a squishy toy to help keep their hands relaxed."

This is where your parenting skills and knowledge of your kid come in handy. And sometimes, like most things, the process may take some trial and error. 

And if all else fails...

Early bird gets the worm. If your kiddo didn't complete his or her work the night before, drag them out of bed early to finish. 'Nuff said there. I'm certain this would have worked for me as a kid too. I mean, who likes to get up early? The only con is that you have to get up early too...

And at the end of the day, tell your children why homework is important. Maybe they can't see the value in American History or Algebra II, but remind them what they can expect by working hard in school. And, if you must, pull out the M&Ms. :)

Discipline innovation - a mom's suggestion for addressing common misbehaviors

This week, I just have to share something...

Not long ago, I had been trying to come up with ways to deal with behavior problems. Currently, we're experiencing the "terrible threes" (which, if you didn't know, can be much more painful than the "terrible twos"), and I'd like to use something a little different from the threat of corporal punishment or timeout.

In fact, I wanted to get away from threats in general.

I hate the fact that my three-year-old has learned the value of threats--from me. After hearing me say things like, "If you don't put your shoes on in two minutes, we are not going to the park to be chased by the ducks," and "If you don't pick up Mr. Potato head and all his various limbs and sensory organs, you are going to have to go sit in your pink chair," my daughter got the hang of a good threat. (By the way, a comfortable time out chair is not effective--just so you know.)

In fact, just the other day my daughter warned, "If you don't get me some crackers, I am not going to talk to you." Okay, so maybe my first response was "Oh I'd like to see that happen," and maybe her wording needs some work, but I can definitely hear myself in that little voice.

The thing is, I don't sit in the anti-spanking camp, but I do find the irony in hitting a child to discipline him or her for lashing out. But the value of timeouts has started to fade, especially when my daughter chose timeout over helping me pick up the other day (who wouldn't want to sit in a big pink chair instead of cleaning?). What to do?

Well, two different moms suggested something with which we've experienced great success, at least over the past few months. The idea falls in line with a sticker chart for performing chores or using the potty, but it comes with a built-in consequence. Let me explain:

Step one - Find a jar or large glass (maybe something plastic if you have a monkey-climber, mischievous one-year-old like I do). Choose something transparent but fun.

Step two - Get something to fill it with. Suggestions range from marbles (also a problem with the one-year-old, who eats everything, and I mean everything, including still-alive, squirming, larger-than-life beetles) to colored pom poms (look in the craft section of the store) to cotton balls (easy and costs a dollar-ish).

Step three - Buy a swoon-worthy prize, nothing too expensive or fancy, but that gets those little eyes to light up like Christmas.

Step four - Reward good behaviors (talking/playing nice with siblings, helping Mom pick up, doing chores without being asked, finishing veggies, etc.) with a cotton ball.

Step five - And here it is! Take away a cotton ball (or whatever) when your child misbehaves. Yes, this may mean you threaten him or her once. But don't do it over and over--just take the cotton ball out. I have found that when I tell my child I am unhappy with her behavior, she automatically knows this means she will lose a cotton ball, and her behavior overall has improved. Becky Scharf, mother of four and administrator for Stepping Stones Mothers Day Out, takes it a step further: "I have them put the marbles in and take them out themselves so it is more concrete for them to see their reward or consequence," she explains. Can you say "effective"?

I mean, it's not magic. I haven't found the Holy Grail of discipline or anything, but it has made a difference, and with kids at any age, that's all you can ask. 

For more ideas about how to discipline without losing your cool, check out these ideas.