Perfectly imperfect - Weathering rough waters

We all have our moments. You know, the those times when you struggle to do what's right, act the way you should, or take the right road. The ones where you might as well be a toddler, because you're throwing a tantrum or need a time out.

Well, our kids have those moments too.

None of us are perfect. We are human. We can try to be the perfect person...the perfect friend...the perfect employee...the perfect parent. But doing everything right all the time just doesn't happen. Consequently, our children are just as human as we are, and you know what? That's okay.

But because you are the parent, what do you do when you run into the same behavioral problem time and time again? How do you handle a lapse in judgment or motivation in your child, while still accepting they're not always going to do things right?

Well, like so many of you, I'm a parent-in-training. In fact, I'm not sure any of us will ever actually graduate from that. And that's because every stage of life - both in ours and in our children's - presents us with new challenges. But when it comes to the challenge of overcoming difficult behavior, I was able to lean on some local experts to get some pointers.

Listen. The number one thing a parent can do when a child is struggling is try to gain a sense of what the root of the problem may be. That means you have to hear what your child has to say and go from there. Jackie Shaw, a licensed professional counselor and the director of Edmond Family Counseling recommends, "A goal to strive for is this: the ability to listen nonjudgmentally! This is very difficult but worth the effort. Sometimes young people don't want advice; they want to be heard."

Be a team. Sometimes, showing your kids that you guys are both on the same side will help them overcome an issue. "Collaborate with your children," says Evan Tims, a Counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary. She adds it's important to communicate that you care about your child, especially his or her success in school and life beyond. Telling your children that you are on their side, that you are intervening in problematic behavior for their benefit, goes a long way toward solving the problem.

Communicate. Did I just say something about communicating? I did! But this can go beyond talking to (and listening to) your child. Cordell Ehrich, principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond, encourages parents to schedule a meeting with teachers or school counselors if their children are struggling to behave in their environment. "The school is a resource for parents, and we want to help you overcome any problems."

Give...and take. At the end of the day, discipline is a parent's responsibility. Even if you listen to your child and try to talk through the problem, the appropriate way to address a problem ultimately comes down to understanding your child and what restrictions/grounding will motivate him or her to modify personally destructive behaviors. However, Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, had this to say about raising his kids: "We explained to them that they each earned/gained the right to be treated as adults based on the way they conducted themselves." I can say that, when I was a child, I was definitely motivated to gain more independence and trust, and  my behavior reflected that desire. Some kids will respond to the promise (and responsibility) of freedom more proactively than others, but using autonomy as a reward for good behavior has one big benefit: we all must learn to be responsible eventually.

Well, that wraps up this series on perfectly imperfect parenting. I hope you've learned what you could from my awesome panel of experts, as well as discovered things about what type of parent you want to be.

And stay tuned next month for something a little less intense...taking time out for yourself!

Putting America to work? How 'bout them kids?

I remember my first job. Knowing that I'm female, you may be able to guess what it was. Ding, ding, ding! That' right. Babysitting. And I hated it. I was proficient enough to get called back frequently, but I often found reasons not to go, having decided that whatever I was saving for could not be worth several hours of toddler snot and baby poo.

Man, how my life has changed. :)

But anyway, my point is that kids are going to start thinking about ways to make money early on, especially when they see their friends with cool gadgets and whatnot. Next week, my blog post will cover how you can help your kids learn to save and manage money, but this week, I'm going to feature a few ways those youngsters can get more moola beyond the "Happy Birthday Princess" checks from grandma.

First off--the law. Quit your snoring and sit up. Here's what the federal government and the State of Oklahoma allow:

The Fair Labor Standards Act (FLSA) sets 14 as the minimum age for most non-agricultural work. However, at any age, youth may deliver newspapers; perform in radio, television, movie, or theatrical productions; work in businesses owned by their parents (except in mining, manufacturing or hazardous jobs); and perform babysitting or perform minor chores around a private home. Also, at any age, youth may be employed as homeworkers to gather evergreens and make evergreen wreaths.

Okay, so my little guys are probably not going to be making evergreen wreaths anytime soon (is that for real?), and I haven't had any television agents come calling (and Miley Cyrus really isn't making the case for my kids to have a future in entertainment), so let's talk about some of the top jobs your kids can do BEFORE they reach the magical age of fourteen.

Babysitting and mother's helper. This is probably going to be your child's--especially a girl's (sorry, it is what it is; at the present time, girls still do more babysitting)--best opportunity to make decent money per hour. However, a few things to mention. First of all, he/she needs to set a rate to avoid being taken advantage of by stingy parents (by the way, it is downright despicable to underpay your babysitter, so don't do it!). Also, check into baby certification courses. Oklahoma does not have a minimum age for babysitting, but you know your child and what he/she can handle. If your child is watching your younger kids or someone else's kids, and they are under fourteen, make sure someone close by is available to help them and that they are aware of what to do in an emergency. And starting out as a mother's helper is a great way to get experience for babysitting. (See more babysitting info on an earlier blog post.)

Landscaping etc. Weeding is an excellent source of income for any youngster (and bonus points for getting a hyperactive kid to spend that energy on something useful!). Raking leaves and other groundskeeping activities are good jobs as well. As for anything involving machinery, do your research as to what is legal and go with a "better safe than sorry" approach. I do not want to see a nine-year-old with a chain saw in my neighbor's yard. Just sayin.'

Cleaning. I'm not talking about your twelve-year-old going to people's homes alone and doing a floor-to-ceiling housekeeping. But if an elderly person or overwhelmed mom (or you!) needs a little extra help with household chores, this is an opportunity for your child to not only make money, but to take care of a home--something both girls and boys need to know before heading off into the world.

Neighborhood watch. Hah! You frowned when you read that, didn't you? I don't mean the real neighborhood watch. Instead, I'm referring to opportunities to help neighbors who are out of town feed the cats, clean the litterbox, tame the plants, collect mail, etc. And this is a great way to build strong relationships between your neighbors and kids.

Finally, what this all comes down to is making a parental decision about your children's level of responsibility and maturity. If they will be performing a job outside your home for a neighbor, let them practice it at home. Keep tabs on payment and job satisfaction (both for your kid and the employer), and not only will your child build up that bank account, but they will learn skills early on that will help them be the kind of people (and workers!) you want them to be.

Discipline innovation - a mom's suggestion for addressing common misbehaviors

This week, I just have to share something...

Not long ago, I had been trying to come up with ways to deal with behavior problems. Currently, we're experiencing the "terrible threes" (which, if you didn't know, can be much more painful than the "terrible twos"), and I'd like to use something a little different from the threat of corporal punishment or timeout.

In fact, I wanted to get away from threats in general.

I hate the fact that my three-year-old has learned the value of threats--from me. After hearing me say things like, "If you don't put your shoes on in two minutes, we are not going to the park to be chased by the ducks," and "If you don't pick up Mr. Potato head and all his various limbs and sensory organs, you are going to have to go sit in your pink chair," my daughter got the hang of a good threat. (By the way, a comfortable time out chair is not effective--just so you know.)

In fact, just the other day my daughter warned, "If you don't get me some crackers, I am not going to talk to you." Okay, so maybe my first response was "Oh I'd like to see that happen," and maybe her wording needs some work, but I can definitely hear myself in that little voice.

The thing is, I don't sit in the anti-spanking camp, but I do find the irony in hitting a child to discipline him or her for lashing out. But the value of timeouts has started to fade, especially when my daughter chose timeout over helping me pick up the other day (who wouldn't want to sit in a big pink chair instead of cleaning?). What to do?

Well, two different moms suggested something with which we've experienced great success, at least over the past few months. The idea falls in line with a sticker chart for performing chores or using the potty, but it comes with a built-in consequence. Let me explain:

Step one - Find a jar or large glass (maybe something plastic if you have a monkey-climber, mischievous one-year-old like I do). Choose something transparent but fun.

Step two - Get something to fill it with. Suggestions range from marbles (also a problem with the one-year-old, who eats everything, and I mean everything, including still-alive, squirming, larger-than-life beetles) to colored pom poms (look in the craft section of the store) to cotton balls (easy and costs a dollar-ish).

Step three - Buy a swoon-worthy prize, nothing too expensive or fancy, but that gets those little eyes to light up like Christmas.

Step four - Reward good behaviors (talking/playing nice with siblings, helping Mom pick up, doing chores without being asked, finishing veggies, etc.) with a cotton ball.

Step five - And here it is! Take away a cotton ball (or whatever) when your child misbehaves. Yes, this may mean you threaten him or her once. But don't do it over and over--just take the cotton ball out. I have found that when I tell my child I am unhappy with her behavior, she automatically knows this means she will lose a cotton ball, and her behavior overall has improved. Becky Scharf, mother of four and administrator for Stepping Stones Mothers Day Out, takes it a step further: "I have them put the marbles in and take them out themselves so it is more concrete for them to see their reward or consequence," she explains. Can you say "effective"?

I mean, it's not magic. I haven't found the Holy Grail of discipline or anything, but it has made a difference, and with kids at any age, that's all you can ask. 

For more ideas about how to discipline without losing your cool, check out these ideas.