It's time for a parent time out - Achieving a state of relaxation

A Chinese proverb states: "Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are."

As parents, the term relaxation is one that conjures up sandy beaches, aroma therapy candles, and Pina Coladas. Or maybe, for you, a hike in the woods, a trip to the movies, or the hands of a paid professional (otherwise known as massage therapy) is more to your Zen liking.

But you're a parent! Who has time for that stuff?

Well, get ready to give yourself a time out. Why? According to Sheila Stinnett, a licensed professional counselor at Edmond Family Counseling, parents who take time for themselves, even just a little each day, are less frustrated and less reactive. What does that mean? It means those of us who aren't frazzled can respond more positively to a situation. And in the long (and short) run, that's a good thing for our kiddos.

For instance, today is the anniversary of a pretty traumatic event for our country, upping the stress and frustration levels long before we step out that door. How can you take time today - or any day - to get yourself back to a place where you can be the parent you want to be?

Stinnett asserts that even the smallest thing--such as sitting in your car and listening to a favorite song, daily journaling or blogging, or even a quick bath, can help recharge us. And scheduled activities, such as group activities like Bible studies or exercise classes, can ensure we make a commitment to get some time to ourselves.

Katy Jones, from Edmond's Yoga Verve studio, agrees, saying, "Anything that gives a parent time for themselves is good for the psyche - whether it's visiting my studio, going for a walk, playing the guitar, etc. As long as they have time to decompress in the way they feel best, I'm for it." She tells me that yoga in particular "allows you to let go of outside stressors and be in the moment, which takes a lot of work. The focus on the breath combined with movement keeps the brain fixed on one thing and lets the practitioner be present in the here and now."

Well, I'm certainly listening, especially since I realized that last week, when I stuck work in every portion of my day where my kids were either at school or sleeping, I started to get a little snappy. And that's a good lesson for all of us that we can't go, go, go all the time. Exercise. Read a good book. Take some time to smell those proverbial roses. Because at the end of the day, you want to be a great parent, and as we all know, everyone needs a timeout every once in a while!

And stay tuned next week for more on the parent's time out, as we continue to chat about the importance of exercise!

It's time for a time out - A parent's guide to staying sane

If you've read any of the Mom Around Town blogs or Community Connections columns, you know one thing by now: I love my kiddos. Yeah, I joke around quite a bit and tell you silly things that prove I'm totally an overwhelmed parent. But at the end of the day - I mean, seriously, at the very end of it, every night - I'm in my kids' rooms, checking on them and whispering, "I can't imagine my life without you."

However...I can imagine several minutes away from them.

We live in a busy, busy culture. In a world of dual-incomes, insane extra-curricular schedules, and geez-I've-got-to-be-awesome-so-I'd-better-volunteer-my-rear-off society, parents don't really have time to sit on a picnic blanket and consider the universe. Once the kiddos make their appearance, it is GO time, and it leaves most of us gasping for breath.

Enter the parents' time out.

You want to be a great parent, right? You even read my whole blog series on perfectly imperfect parenting, yeah? You know if you work hard enough, you'll earn those "Best Mom" and "Best Dad" mugs your children give you (if your kids give you something else, don't worry; it just means you raised someone with a different outlook on life).

But one thing that's important to staying sane - kids or no kids - is taking some "me" time. And believe me, I know it feels weird to be what you might consider selfish, or maybe you simply don't feel there is even a second you could take for yourself. But listen: if you don't take care of yourself, you're not doing your kids any favors.

However, don't take my word for it. As always, I'd like to emphasize that I write about parenting, but I'm no expert. Instead, I find people who are experts in their field, and we all learn together.

So, get ready for a month filled with me-time.

September 11 - This is still a stressful day for most of us - sad and frustrating. It's a good time to talk about how we can take time to relax our bodies and renew our minds, focusing on activities that will positively affect our spirits (and the way we treat those kiddos!).

September 18 - Exercise! Now, now...don't groan when I'm talking to you. We are going to get down and sweaty about why it's important to stay fit and work up those endorphins!

September 25 - Let's talk about what it means to treat yourself! Are you being selfish if you head out to the spa for the day? How can you balance the time you need to recharge with family time, and what should that ratio look like? Let's discuss!

So I hope you're as excited as I am to get down to the nitty gritty on this topic. Besides, the holidays are right around the corner, and it's time to get serious about getting recharged.

Perfectly imperfect - Weathering rough waters

We all have our moments. You know, the those times when you struggle to do what's right, act the way you should, or take the right road. The ones where you might as well be a toddler, because you're throwing a tantrum or need a time out.

Well, our kids have those moments too.

None of us are perfect. We are human. We can try to be the perfect person...the perfect friend...the perfect employee...the perfect parent. But doing everything right all the time just doesn't happen. Consequently, our children are just as human as we are, and you know what? That's okay.

But because you are the parent, what do you do when you run into the same behavioral problem time and time again? How do you handle a lapse in judgment or motivation in your child, while still accepting they're not always going to do things right?

Well, like so many of you, I'm a parent-in-training. In fact, I'm not sure any of us will ever actually graduate from that. And that's because every stage of life - both in ours and in our children's - presents us with new challenges. But when it comes to the challenge of overcoming difficult behavior, I was able to lean on some local experts to get some pointers.

Listen. The number one thing a parent can do when a child is struggling is try to gain a sense of what the root of the problem may be. That means you have to hear what your child has to say and go from there. Jackie Shaw, a licensed professional counselor and the director of Edmond Family Counseling recommends, "A goal to strive for is this: the ability to listen nonjudgmentally! This is very difficult but worth the effort. Sometimes young people don't want advice; they want to be heard."

Be a team. Sometimes, showing your kids that you guys are both on the same side will help them overcome an issue. "Collaborate with your children," says Evan Tims, a Counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary. She adds it's important to communicate that you care about your child, especially his or her success in school and life beyond. Telling your children that you are on their side, that you are intervening in problematic behavior for their benefit, goes a long way toward solving the problem.

Communicate. Did I just say something about communicating? I did! But this can go beyond talking to (and listening to) your child. Cordell Ehrich, principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond, encourages parents to schedule a meeting with teachers or school counselors if their children are struggling to behave in their environment. "The school is a resource for parents, and we want to help you overcome any problems."

Give...and take. At the end of the day, discipline is a parent's responsibility. Even if you listen to your child and try to talk through the problem, the appropriate way to address a problem ultimately comes down to understanding your child and what restrictions/grounding will motivate him or her to modify personally destructive behaviors. However, Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, had this to say about raising his kids: "We explained to them that they each earned/gained the right to be treated as adults based on the way they conducted themselves." I can say that, when I was a child, I was definitely motivated to gain more independence and trust, and  my behavior reflected that desire. Some kids will respond to the promise (and responsibility) of freedom more proactively than others, but using autonomy as a reward for good behavior has one big benefit: we all must learn to be responsible eventually.

Well, that wraps up this series on perfectly imperfect parenting. I hope you've learned what you could from my awesome panel of experts, as well as discovered things about what type of parent you want to be.

And stay tuned next month for something a little less intense...taking time out for yourself!

Perfectly imperfect - Connecting to your child's world

I don't know how much children's programming you've watched over the past few years, but I know I've seen my fair share. Maybe your kiddos are stuck in the land of Paw Patrol, Dora the Explorer, or Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Maybe their taste runs more mature, like My Little Ponies or Phineas and Ferb (did I really just call those shows "more mature"?). Or perhaps they've been sucked into the land of teen drama, either the innocent programs on the Disney Channel, or graduating to darker fare on the CW.

But you know, as much media as we all consume (and obviously, that goes way beyond the world of television - extending to music, phone apps, video games, and social media), how much does it help us understand our children's world? What do we actually learn about them from it?

The answer? Not really all that much. Because your child's world is not on the television, in social media, or in video games. If it is, time for a regroup and refocus, folks. Your children's world is first and foremost the life they lead at school, what they do with their friends, and any activities they do in addition to all that.

So how do you connect to that? Well, I'm no expert, but I did talk to some people who are, and here's the three actions you can take that they all highlighted as fundamental to understanding the world in which your child exists.

Talk to your child...then listen. No matter your work schedule, no matter your home situation, experts agree you should take time to talk to your child every day. For some kids, getting information on their day is an easy task - they're talkers, and all you have to do is pose a question and sit back and listen. For other kids, encouraging information out of them may take more time. But the more you ask, the more you'll learn, which will open doors to knowing what questions really loosen those tight-lipped kiddos.

"Communication with your children is key," says Evan Tims, a guidance counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary in Edmond. She emphasizes that we need to teach ourselves better communication, and how do we do that? Practice. And remember, communication is a two-way street; we have to listen as well.

Connect to the adults who know your child's world outside the home. As we discussed last week, parents who volunteer at their children's schools have a better idea of what their children's daily environment is like. And kids want you there, says Cordell Ehrich, principal of Edmond's Cimarron Middle School, adding, "Face time is important,"

But don't forget to think outside your child's school. Coaches, church leaders, and parents of your children's friends also see your child outside your own home, so taking time to open up a conversation with these particular people will help you not only understand your child's world better, but it will also give you a contact in case of any type of emergency or problem.

Spend time, time, and more time together. When I spoke to Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, he emphasized that he could never have spent enough time doing the day to day stuff with his kids. As a parent, I think it can sometimes be hard to remember how incredibly fast this is all going to go when you're in the thick of things. But from somebody who's oldest just started full-time school, I have begun to understand what Stranz means.

You only get one shot at this. As parents, we all have work obligations, and we definitely need to take some time out for ourselves. But remember, your child will grow so, so fast. People with grandkids tell me this over and over. And you have to enjoy every moment. I was reminded of this when I took my two-year-old to the zoo just two days ago, and he jumped up and down like Tigger when he saw the bears. Another woman with older children in tow laughed at my son's antics. "I remember that age. Now mine care most about the vending machines."

A good reminder. So soak it all in, friends, because it's going by so quickly already.

And remember to check in next week for the final segment of perfectly imperfect parenting - weathering rough waters.

Pefectly imperfect - The power of presence

This week, I attended "Meet the Teacher Day" with my daughter and spent ten days filling out paperwork. Okay, okay. Not ten days. Ten minutes really, but a lifetime when one's two-year-old has decided to make the classroom his own. Thank god for the husband running interference. Otherwise, my first impression on teacher day might not have been so sunshiny.

In fact, I was so distracted by just, well, everything, that I forgot to do one very important thing.

Volunteer.

You see, I had learned something from the interviews I had conducted for my topic this month. During August, I've been driving this blog down the road of imperfect parenting (it's a road I know well, unfortunately). As we all know, we don't get road maps, self-help manuals, or instruction booklets for those kiddos of ours. Sometimes it's hard to know if we're doing everything...or anything...right.

But when I talked to some local experts, I was surprised that some simple steps (although not necessarily always convenient in our busy lifestyles) are critical, while other things (like, you know, actual things) are less important to our children. And being a presence in your child's school life was something that was emphasized over and over again.

"Parents who volunteer have a better feel what their child's environment is like," says Cordell Ehrich, the principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond. It's easy to get involved, he adds, simply by stopping by the school office or emailing a student's teacher. And he stressed the importance of doing this at all stages - elementary through high school.

And opportunities abound not only for the parents who can come in during the day, but for parents who can't. Again, it usually includes you reaching out to the school to see what might fit.

"Kids want you there," says Ehrich. "They may not act like it, but they do."

In fact, kids seeing a relationship built between their teachers and parents creates respect, says Guidance Counselor Evan Tims at Edmond's Cross Timbers Elementary. Also, a parent's presence at a school shows students how much their parents care about them and their education, she asserts.

And no matter what, whether you volunteer or not, the importance of communication with your child's school cannot be stressed enough. "Generally, teachers and counselors check email daily, if not more often," says Tims, "so do make an effort to communicate with them." This too can lead to a better understanding of your child's world.

Remember, these days will come and go more quickly than you think. When I asked Edmond resident Michael Stranz, father of four grown children, if he could think of any time he wished he had been more involved, he mentioned he could never be involved enough in the day-to-day stuff. "I think as parents (of young children), we walk that line of being too over-bearing, but as they grow into young adults and we look back and reflect, those are the times we miss the most."

Words from the wise to the wise.

Check in next week for more on how you can connect to your child's world!

Food allergy recipe sites...best of the web

To finish off this month's exploration of handling your child's food allergies, I'm giving you a list of some of the top recipe sites for allergen-free cooking and baking. While all the parents I've spoken to over the past month have discussed the challenges of helping their children stay away from foods that are dangerous for them, not one complained about the work it took to protect their kiddos. So, in an effort to assist even further, here are some resources. There are many, many helpful sites, but I tried to pinpoint those that offered more than just a handful of recipes...

For a variety of food allergies...

Allergic Living Allergy Safe Recipes - This site has a large index of recipes covering every meal and occasion. It also offers information about food allergies and blogs that discuss common questions. You can also subscribe to the magazine.

Living Without - This site highlights living without gluten (wheat), but offers recipes that address multiple food allergies. It is also a magazine.

Kids With Food Allergies - This site allows you to select which allergen to avoid while searching for recipes, which is a nifty little feature!

Peanut-free (and nut-free) recipes...

PeanutAllergy.com Nut-Free Recipes

Food.com Nut-Free Recipes

Huffington Post Nut-Free Recipes


Milk-free recipes...

Allrecipes.com Dairy-Free Recipes

Go Dairy Free

Food.com Lactose-Free Recipes


Gluten-free recipes...

Simply Gluten-Free

National Foundation for Celiac Awareness Seasonal Recipes

Gluten-Free Goddess Recipes

Food.com Gluten-Free Recipes


Egg-free recipes...

Allrecipes.com Egg-Free Recipes

Elana's Pantry

Food.com Egg-Free Recipes


Always happy to add more, so please comment if you've found a similarly helpful site!