Perfectly imperfect - Weathering rough waters

We all have our moments. You know, the those times when you struggle to do what's right, act the way you should, or take the right road. The ones where you might as well be a toddler, because you're throwing a tantrum or need a time out.

Well, our kids have those moments too.

None of us are perfect. We are human. We can try to be the perfect person...the perfect friend...the perfect employee...the perfect parent. But doing everything right all the time just doesn't happen. Consequently, our children are just as human as we are, and you know what? That's okay.

But because you are the parent, what do you do when you run into the same behavioral problem time and time again? How do you handle a lapse in judgment or motivation in your child, while still accepting they're not always going to do things right?

Well, like so many of you, I'm a parent-in-training. In fact, I'm not sure any of us will ever actually graduate from that. And that's because every stage of life - both in ours and in our children's - presents us with new challenges. But when it comes to the challenge of overcoming difficult behavior, I was able to lean on some local experts to get some pointers.

Listen. The number one thing a parent can do when a child is struggling is try to gain a sense of what the root of the problem may be. That means you have to hear what your child has to say and go from there. Jackie Shaw, a licensed professional counselor and the director of Edmond Family Counseling recommends, "A goal to strive for is this: the ability to listen nonjudgmentally! This is very difficult but worth the effort. Sometimes young people don't want advice; they want to be heard."

Be a team. Sometimes, showing your kids that you guys are both on the same side will help them overcome an issue. "Collaborate with your children," says Evan Tims, a Counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary. She adds it's important to communicate that you care about your child, especially his or her success in school and life beyond. Telling your children that you are on their side, that you are intervening in problematic behavior for their benefit, goes a long way toward solving the problem.

Communicate. Did I just say something about communicating? I did! But this can go beyond talking to (and listening to) your child. Cordell Ehrich, principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond, encourages parents to schedule a meeting with teachers or school counselors if their children are struggling to behave in their environment. "The school is a resource for parents, and we want to help you overcome any problems."

Give...and take. At the end of the day, discipline is a parent's responsibility. Even if you listen to your child and try to talk through the problem, the appropriate way to address a problem ultimately comes down to understanding your child and what restrictions/grounding will motivate him or her to modify personally destructive behaviors. However, Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, had this to say about raising his kids: "We explained to them that they each earned/gained the right to be treated as adults based on the way they conducted themselves." I can say that, when I was a child, I was definitely motivated to gain more independence and trust, and  my behavior reflected that desire. Some kids will respond to the promise (and responsibility) of freedom more proactively than others, but using autonomy as a reward for good behavior has one big benefit: we all must learn to be responsible eventually.

Well, that wraps up this series on perfectly imperfect parenting. I hope you've learned what you could from my awesome panel of experts, as well as discovered things about what type of parent you want to be.

And stay tuned next month for something a little less intense...taking time out for yourself!

Playdates, sleepovers, and parties, oh my! Cue summer... and some manners!

Cue summer! Time for pool parties and impromptu sleepovers, preschool playdates and summer travel. During this time of year, you're likely to spend more time than ever relaxing with friends and family, which means your kiddos will either be in hand or off enjoying their own socialization.

And that brings me to...manners...and parents' worst pet peeves with visitors.

Groan. Moan. I know, I know. But I bet you're more interested in this subject than you pretend! In fact, the moment I said manners, I bet those eyeballs perked right up, wondering if your pet peeve made the list, and whether your kids measure up.

Well, let's get started.

For the month of June, I'll be tackling three problem areas that parents have identified, where bad behavior turns fun events into nightmares. I've surveyed over twenty parents to get feedback, with the promise of keeping the complaints anonymous (guess those moms and dads have some good manners...or maybe we just don't want to seem snarky!).

Here's what we'll be discussing...

Playdate Peeves...If you're a mom or dad of a young child, you know that generally, if you schedule it, they will come. But here's the thing. Whether you're inviting one or two families over, or an entire moms' group, chances are just one badly behaved kid can make or break the experience. The biggest complaint? Parents who don't keep that parental "eye" out to call out their kid if he or she is misbehaving. For more on this, check back June 12.

Party Frustrations...Surely you have recently attended or thrown a party for a child under ten. Kids in the first decade of life are not known for quiet conduct. And that's understandable. But put a little cake, juice, and the promise of new toys in the mix, and kids can get downright rowdy. On June 19, we'll discuss proper party manners for your kids, whether it's a party you're attending with them or not. Because, you don't want your kid to be the talk of the party. Not until college at least!

Visitor Vexations...And finally, the sleepover. Whether it's at Grandma's or the house of the most popular kid at school, before you ever send those kiddos with suitcases--anywhere--it's best to go over some ground rules and identify with the adult in charge anything that could become an issue at night. And the last thing you want is for your kid to be digging through someone else's refrigerator or master bedroom at 2 a.m. Respecting private space was the thing parents mentioned to me as critical to enjoying anyone's visit.  Stay tuned for more June 26.

So let's get ready to get down and dirty. Because if those kids shape up their behavior and throw out some "please" and "thank you's," there's a good chance people will be talking about you and your children behind your back...in the nicest way possible.