We all have our moments. You know, the those times when you struggle to do what's right, act the way you should, or take the right road. The ones where you might as well be a toddler, because you're throwing a tantrum or need a time out.
Well, our kids have those moments too.
None of us are perfect. We are human. We can try to be the perfect person...the perfect friend...the perfect employee...the perfect parent. But doing everything right all the time just doesn't happen. Consequently, our children are just as human as we are, and you know what? That's okay.
But because you are the parent, what do you do when you run into the same behavioral problem time and time again? How do you handle a lapse in judgment or motivation in your child, while still accepting they're not always going to do things right?
Well, like so many of you, I'm a parent-in-training. In fact, I'm not sure any of us will ever actually graduate from that. And that's because every stage of life - both in ours and in our children's - presents us with new challenges. But when it comes to the challenge of overcoming difficult behavior, I was able to lean on some local experts to get some pointers.
Listen. The number one thing a parent can do when a child is struggling is try to gain a sense of what the root of the problem may be. That means you have to hear what your child has to say and go from there. Jackie Shaw, a licensed professional counselor and the director of Edmond Family Counseling recommends, "A goal to strive for is this: the ability to listen nonjudgmentally! This is very difficult but worth the effort. Sometimes young people don't want advice; they want to be heard."
Be a team. Sometimes, showing your kids that you guys are both on the same side will help them overcome an issue. "Collaborate with your children," says Evan Tims, a Counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary. She adds it's important to communicate that you care about your child, especially his or her success in school and life beyond. Telling your children that you are on their side, that you are intervening in problematic behavior for their benefit, goes a long way toward solving the problem.
Communicate. Did I just say something about communicating? I did! But this can go beyond talking to (and listening to) your child. Cordell Ehrich, principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond, encourages parents to schedule a meeting with teachers or school counselors if their children are struggling to behave in their environment. "The school is a resource for parents, and we want to help you overcome any problems."
Give...and take. At the end of the day, discipline is a parent's responsibility. Even if you listen to your child and try to talk through the problem, the appropriate way to address a problem ultimately comes down to understanding your child and what restrictions/grounding will motivate him or her to modify personally destructive behaviors. However, Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, had this to say about raising his kids: "We explained to them that they each earned/gained the right to be treated as adults based on the way they conducted themselves." I can say that, when I was a child, I was definitely motivated to gain more independence and trust, and my behavior reflected that desire. Some kids will respond to the promise (and responsibility) of freedom more proactively than others, but using autonomy as a reward for good behavior has one big benefit: we all must learn to be responsible eventually.
Well, that wraps up this series on perfectly imperfect parenting. I hope you've learned what you could from my awesome panel of experts, as well as discovered things about what type of parent you want to be.
And stay tuned next month for something a little less intense...taking time out for yourself!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Perfectly imperfect - Connecting to your child's world
I don't know how much children's programming you've watched over the past few years, but I know I've seen my fair share. Maybe your kiddos are stuck in the land of Paw Patrol, Dora the Explorer, or Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Maybe their taste runs more mature, like My Little Ponies or Phineas and Ferb (did I really just call those shows "more mature"?). Or perhaps they've been sucked into the land of teen drama, either the innocent programs on the Disney Channel, or graduating to darker fare on the CW.
But you know, as much media as we all consume (and obviously, that goes way beyond the world of television - extending to music, phone apps, video games, and social media), how much does it help us understand our children's world? What do we actually learn about them from it?
The answer? Not really all that much. Because your child's world is not on the television, in social media, or in video games. If it is, time for a regroup and refocus, folks. Your children's world is first and foremost the life they lead at school, what they do with their friends, and any activities they do in addition to all that.
So how do you connect to that? Well, I'm no expert, but I did talk to some people who are, and here's the three actions you can take that they all highlighted as fundamental to understanding the world in which your child exists.
Talk to your child...then listen. No matter your work schedule, no matter your home situation, experts agree you should take time to talk to your child every day. For some kids, getting information on their day is an easy task - they're talkers, and all you have to do is pose a question and sit back and listen. For other kids, encouraging information out of them may take more time. But the more you ask, the more you'll learn, which will open doors to knowing what questions really loosen those tight-lipped kiddos.
"Communication with your children is key," says Evan Tims, a guidance counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary in Edmond. She emphasizes that we need to teach ourselves better communication, and how do we do that? Practice. And remember, communication is a two-way street; we have to listen as well.
Connect to the adults who know your child's world outside the home. As we discussed last week, parents who volunteer at their children's schools have a better idea of what their children's daily environment is like. And kids want you there, says Cordell Ehrich, principal of Edmond's Cimarron Middle School, adding, "Face time is important,"
But don't forget to think outside your child's school. Coaches, church leaders, and parents of your children's friends also see your child outside your own home, so taking time to open up a conversation with these particular people will help you not only understand your child's world better, but it will also give you a contact in case of any type of emergency or problem.
Spend time, time, and more time together. When I spoke to Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, he emphasized that he could never have spent enough time doing the day to day stuff with his kids. As a parent, I think it can sometimes be hard to remember how incredibly fast this is all going to go when you're in the thick of things. But from somebody who's oldest just started full-time school, I have begun to understand what Stranz means.
You only get one shot at this. As parents, we all have work obligations, and we definitely need to take some time out for ourselves. But remember, your child will grow so, so fast. People with grandkids tell me this over and over. And you have to enjoy every moment. I was reminded of this when I took my two-year-old to the zoo just two days ago, and he jumped up and down like Tigger when he saw the bears. Another woman with older children in tow laughed at my son's antics. "I remember that age. Now mine care most about the vending machines."
A good reminder. So soak it all in, friends, because it's going by so quickly already.
And remember to check in next week for the final segment of perfectly imperfect parenting - weathering rough waters.
But you know, as much media as we all consume (and obviously, that goes way beyond the world of television - extending to music, phone apps, video games, and social media), how much does it help us understand our children's world? What do we actually learn about them from it?
The answer? Not really all that much. Because your child's world is not on the television, in social media, or in video games. If it is, time for a regroup and refocus, folks. Your children's world is first and foremost the life they lead at school, what they do with their friends, and any activities they do in addition to all that.
So how do you connect to that? Well, I'm no expert, but I did talk to some people who are, and here's the three actions you can take that they all highlighted as fundamental to understanding the world in which your child exists.
Talk to your child...then listen. No matter your work schedule, no matter your home situation, experts agree you should take time to talk to your child every day. For some kids, getting information on their day is an easy task - they're talkers, and all you have to do is pose a question and sit back and listen. For other kids, encouraging information out of them may take more time. But the more you ask, the more you'll learn, which will open doors to knowing what questions really loosen those tight-lipped kiddos.
"Communication with your children is key," says Evan Tims, a guidance counselor at Cross Timbers Elementary in Edmond. She emphasizes that we need to teach ourselves better communication, and how do we do that? Practice. And remember, communication is a two-way street; we have to listen as well.
Connect to the adults who know your child's world outside the home. As we discussed last week, parents who volunteer at their children's schools have a better idea of what their children's daily environment is like. And kids want you there, says Cordell Ehrich, principal of Edmond's Cimarron Middle School, adding, "Face time is important,"
But don't forget to think outside your child's school. Coaches, church leaders, and parents of your children's friends also see your child outside your own home, so taking time to open up a conversation with these particular people will help you not only understand your child's world better, but it will also give you a contact in case of any type of emergency or problem.
Spend time, time, and more time together. When I spoke to Michael Stranz, Edmond father of four grown children, he emphasized that he could never have spent enough time doing the day to day stuff with his kids. As a parent, I think it can sometimes be hard to remember how incredibly fast this is all going to go when you're in the thick of things. But from somebody who's oldest just started full-time school, I have begun to understand what Stranz means.
You only get one shot at this. As parents, we all have work obligations, and we definitely need to take some time out for ourselves. But remember, your child will grow so, so fast. People with grandkids tell me this over and over. And you have to enjoy every moment. I was reminded of this when I took my two-year-old to the zoo just two days ago, and he jumped up and down like Tigger when he saw the bears. Another woman with older children in tow laughed at my son's antics. "I remember that age. Now mine care most about the vending machines."
A good reminder. So soak it all in, friends, because it's going by so quickly already.
And remember to check in next week for the final segment of perfectly imperfect parenting - weathering rough waters.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Pefectly imperfect - The power of presence
This week, I attended "Meet the Teacher Day" with my daughter and spent ten days filling out paperwork. Okay, okay. Not ten days. Ten minutes really, but a lifetime when one's two-year-old has decided to make the classroom his own. Thank god for the husband running interference. Otherwise, my first impression on teacher day might not have been so sunshiny.
In fact, I was so distracted by just, well, everything, that I forgot to do one very important thing.
Volunteer.
You see, I had learned something from the interviews I had conducted for my topic this month. During August, I've been driving this blog down the road of imperfect parenting (it's a road I know well, unfortunately). As we all know, we don't get road maps, self-help manuals, or instruction booklets for those kiddos of ours. Sometimes it's hard to know if we're doing everything...or anything...right.
But when I talked to some local experts, I was surprised that some simple steps (although not necessarily always convenient in our busy lifestyles) are critical, while other things (like, you know, actual things) are less important to our children. And being a presence in your child's school life was something that was emphasized over and over again.
"Parents who volunteer have a better feel what their child's environment is like," says Cordell Ehrich, the principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond. It's easy to get involved, he adds, simply by stopping by the school office or emailing a student's teacher. And he stressed the importance of doing this at all stages - elementary through high school.
And opportunities abound not only for the parents who can come in during the day, but for parents who can't. Again, it usually includes you reaching out to the school to see what might fit.
"Kids want you there," says Ehrich. "They may not act like it, but they do."
In fact, kids seeing a relationship built between their teachers and parents creates respect, says Guidance Counselor Evan Tims at Edmond's Cross Timbers Elementary. Also, a parent's presence at a school shows students how much their parents care about them and their education, she asserts.
And no matter what, whether you volunteer or not, the importance of communication with your child's school cannot be stressed enough. "Generally, teachers and counselors check email daily, if not more often," says Tims, "so do make an effort to communicate with them." This too can lead to a better understanding of your child's world.
Remember, these days will come and go more quickly than you think. When I asked Edmond resident Michael Stranz, father of four grown children, if he could think of any time he wished he had been more involved, he mentioned he could never be involved enough in the day-to-day stuff. "I think as parents (of young children), we walk that line of being too over-bearing, but as they grow into young adults and we look back and reflect, those are the times we miss the most."
Words from the wise to the wise.
Check in next week for more on how you can connect to your child's world!
In fact, I was so distracted by just, well, everything, that I forgot to do one very important thing.
Volunteer.
You see, I had learned something from the interviews I had conducted for my topic this month. During August, I've been driving this blog down the road of imperfect parenting (it's a road I know well, unfortunately). As we all know, we don't get road maps, self-help manuals, or instruction booklets for those kiddos of ours. Sometimes it's hard to know if we're doing everything...or anything...right.
But when I talked to some local experts, I was surprised that some simple steps (although not necessarily always convenient in our busy lifestyles) are critical, while other things (like, you know, actual things) are less important to our children. And being a presence in your child's school life was something that was emphasized over and over again.
"Parents who volunteer have a better feel what their child's environment is like," says Cordell Ehrich, the principal at Cimarron Middle School in Edmond. It's easy to get involved, he adds, simply by stopping by the school office or emailing a student's teacher. And he stressed the importance of doing this at all stages - elementary through high school.
And opportunities abound not only for the parents who can come in during the day, but for parents who can't. Again, it usually includes you reaching out to the school to see what might fit.
"Kids want you there," says Ehrich. "They may not act like it, but they do."
In fact, kids seeing a relationship built between their teachers and parents creates respect, says Guidance Counselor Evan Tims at Edmond's Cross Timbers Elementary. Also, a parent's presence at a school shows students how much their parents care about them and their education, she asserts.
And no matter what, whether you volunteer or not, the importance of communication with your child's school cannot be stressed enough. "Generally, teachers and counselors check email daily, if not more often," says Tims, "so do make an effort to communicate with them." This too can lead to a better understanding of your child's world.
Remember, these days will come and go more quickly than you think. When I asked Edmond resident Michael Stranz, father of four grown children, if he could think of any time he wished he had been more involved, he mentioned he could never be involved enough in the day-to-day stuff. "I think as parents (of young children), we walk that line of being too over-bearing, but as they grow into young adults and we look back and reflect, those are the times we miss the most."
Words from the wise to the wise.
Check in next week for more on how you can connect to your child's world!
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Perfectly imperfect - Being the best parent you can be
Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a perfect parent. I would rock my baby in a perfectly decorated nursery, and she would immediately drift off to sleep. I would beam as my child executed perfect manners, making him the teacher's pet. Finally, my child would run across the stage to grab his or her high school diploma, shouting "I got into Harvard! With a full ride scholarship!"
And then, cold hard reality hit me in the face.
Being a parent is one of the best jobs in the world. It's also one of the most challenging, unnoticed, and frustrating ones. For example, if you sit in a restaurant (movie theater, airplane, etc.) and your child behaves, no one notices. If your child has a nuclear meltdown, the raised eyebrows and frowns of strangers abound, and you are effectively relegated to "poor parenting" status. The problem is, your child might be both angelic and horrendous on different days (or even the same one).
They're kids.
So how do you know if you're doing a good job? How do you know if you're doing a poor job, or a fantastic one? Is there a parenting measuring stick? How do you succeed at parenting? How do you survive it?
Well, I'm the first to tell you I won't be earning any parenting gold stars in the near future. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I feed ice cream for dinner. Sometimes I buy a toy just for the heck of it, and sometimes I really, really just want my kids to go to school and leave me alone. But on the same note, I love, love, LOVE my kids. I'd do anything for them. I know this, because every time I see a big dog, I jump in front of my kids (and not only am I scared of big dogs myself...I also kind of like my face). But how do I make sure I'm giving my children what they really need from me?
Well, in the interest of answering those questions, I've again leaned on some local experts, including a school principal, a guidance counselor, a family counselor, and a parent of four grown children. One thing they all emphasized is the importance of communication at any age, but they also had a great deal more to share. So here's the lineup for August...
August 14 - The power of presence. During my interviews, I found that a prevailing theme, in addition to communication, appeared to be simply being a presence in your child's life. The local experts share their thoughts on how to do just that.
August 21 - Connecting to your child's world. What does it really mean to be an involved parent? Is it all the chauffeuring? Leading the Girl Scout troupe? Attending every practice? I'll share some tips on how you can make sure you're connecting with what matters to your child.
August 28 - Weather rough waters. Finally, no one is perfect. Our children will have difficult moments. Some will have more challenges than others. How can you, as a concerned parent, work with your child and others to help overcome misbehavior? We'll tackle the question head on.
So stay tuned! It promises to be an interesting month. But at the end of it, I hope you know what it means to be a perfectly imperfect parent.
And then, cold hard reality hit me in the face.
Being a parent is one of the best jobs in the world. It's also one of the most challenging, unnoticed, and frustrating ones. For example, if you sit in a restaurant (movie theater, airplane, etc.) and your child behaves, no one notices. If your child has a nuclear meltdown, the raised eyebrows and frowns of strangers abound, and you are effectively relegated to "poor parenting" status. The problem is, your child might be both angelic and horrendous on different days (or even the same one).
They're kids.
So how do you know if you're doing a good job? How do you know if you're doing a poor job, or a fantastic one? Is there a parenting measuring stick? How do you succeed at parenting? How do you survive it?
Well, I'm the first to tell you I won't be earning any parenting gold stars in the near future. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I feed ice cream for dinner. Sometimes I buy a toy just for the heck of it, and sometimes I really, really just want my kids to go to school and leave me alone. But on the same note, I love, love, LOVE my kids. I'd do anything for them. I know this, because every time I see a big dog, I jump in front of my kids (and not only am I scared of big dogs myself...I also kind of like my face). But how do I make sure I'm giving my children what they really need from me?
Well, in the interest of answering those questions, I've again leaned on some local experts, including a school principal, a guidance counselor, a family counselor, and a parent of four grown children. One thing they all emphasized is the importance of communication at any age, but they also had a great deal more to share. So here's the lineup for August...
August 14 - The power of presence. During my interviews, I found that a prevailing theme, in addition to communication, appeared to be simply being a presence in your child's life. The local experts share their thoughts on how to do just that.
August 21 - Connecting to your child's world. What does it really mean to be an involved parent? Is it all the chauffeuring? Leading the Girl Scout troupe? Attending every practice? I'll share some tips on how you can make sure you're connecting with what matters to your child.
August 28 - Weather rough waters. Finally, no one is perfect. Our children will have difficult moments. Some will have more challenges than others. How can you, as a concerned parent, work with your child and others to help overcome misbehavior? We'll tackle the question head on.
So stay tuned! It promises to be an interesting month. But at the end of it, I hope you know what it means to be a perfectly imperfect parent.
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