From the mouths of parents...Vistor vexations

This month, we've been tackling the emotional issue of manners. Why emotional? Well, when you're treated rudely--by a kid or a parent--it makes you mad. When your kid is rude, it makes you embarrassed (okay, and maybe a little mad, too). And when we're rude, well, sometimes we never even get to the point of realizing our faux pas until it's too late.

So far, we've discussed playdate and birthday party etiquette. A yawnfest? Not if the parents on my non-scientific survey were any indication. This issue really gets the tempers churning, so listen up as we take on the final topic.

Overnight stays.

Do you remember your first sleepover? I do. I was four, I had the dingiest white bunny with golden wings named "Angel Bunny," and my sleeping bag was Rainbow Bright. It was fun. I missed my mommy. I had a great time. I was ready to go home. End of story.

I have no idea how I acted, but I do know my mom's always been big on the manners. So here's a list of things a parent might think about before sending that kiddo anywhere overnight, whether it be Grandma's house or a sleepover party.

Set the tone...If you are dropping your children off, go over your ground rules for behavior before they ever step into someone else's home. This includes reminding them of good manners (don't go exploring on their own, say "please" and "thank you," and listen to what the other parent has to say). Tell them that rules are different at different houses, but that being loud, destructive, or disrespectful will keep them from enjoying this opportunity again. If you're the one hosting, go over the rules with your child before guests arrive and again after the party animals are present. So what if the kids think you're "not fun." What you are ensuring is that everyone will have fun.

Be responsible...If you are dropping off your child, make certain to leave an emergency number and any specific instructions (food allergies, anyone?). If your child does need some special consideration, a phone call before the sleepover may make more of an impression. If you are hosting, put a list of phone numbers together as soon as possible, so as to keep you from scrambling in an emergency situation!

Expect a little fun...Kids are going to eat junk at sleepovers. It's anticipated. It's expected. They are not going to sleep well (and they certainly aren't going to go to bed on time). Deal with it. It's part of the process. And then have a little fun!

Pick up...Last but certainly not least, this seemed to be a big deal to most of the parents. Remind your children to help pick up toys, dishes, whatever. Tell them they will likely be a welcome guest if they do so and it's a way of thanking the party host. Worse come to worse, you can bribe them. I know. I've just lost my parenting gold star for the day by suggesting that, but at the risk of leaving a bad taste in the host's mouth, tell your kid you will reward him or her for good behavior.

Finally, for a great sleepover survival guide, click here. Otherwise, go forth and visit. Just remember, repeat performances are only requested if the first one was good.

From the mouths of parents...party frustrations

Most of us have recently attended or thrown a party for a child under ten. And I'm certain most of us realize that kids in the first decade of life are not known for quiet conduct. And that's understandable. We get that. It's what makes a kid a kid.

But then, put a little cake, juice, and the promise of new toys in the mix, and kids can get downright rowdy. I have been assaulted with foam swords, socked in the head with a bean bag, and doused with fruit juice, all in the name of celebrating someone's birthday.

Yes, whether you're hosting or a guest, those birthday parties are often just something to survive.

Then again, there's no reason not to put the breaks on bad behavior or emphasize good party manners. And maybe, just maybe, your kids will learn how to have fun while keeping their head.

Good manners should start before you decorate. One of the rules I found from a great article on PBS Parents discusses showing good party behavior from the start, and this includes protecting other kids' feelings while handing out invitations. You don't have to invite everyone (you shouldn't, really, as an out-of-control party isn't fun for anyone), but don't hand out invitations at school. Also remind your child not to discuss the party there either. And if your child happens to dole out an impulse invitation, follow through. Promises made should be promises kept.

Don't let you kid be "that guy." Whether you are attending the party with your child or not, emphasizing good manners is imperative to helping your child stay on the "nice" list. Parents who answered my non-scientific survey about party manners responded that they were irritated by kids who tried to eat the cake early, open the birthday child's presents, or invade spaces that were not designated for the guests. Also, remember to RSVP and check with the party host before bringing a sibling, because these were other factors that greatly annoyed party givers. And finally, if it is the type of party where you drop your kid off, go inside to meet the parents and give them your cell phone number. This is not only polite, it is a safety measure as well.

Be a gracious host. I cannot tell you how many times I've been to a baby or bridal shower where the person opening the gift failed to comment on my card or gift, quickly moving through the gifts as if opening them were a race. After spending time (usually with two whiny preschoolers in tow) to pick out something special, I would be so grateful for a brief comment about whether the person liked (hopefully!) the gift or not. So, teach your children to be gracious. If they are too little to express gratitude, then it is up to you to do it for each gift opened. But a four or five-year-old, with a little on-the-spot prompting, should be able to do it, and older children can probably remember from instructions received from you before the party. Then again, maybe you will decide to skip gift opening all together. In this case, a personally written thank you note is especially important. A note should be sent regardless, but mentioning each particular gift is more critical if guests didn't get the opportunity to see your child appreciate their contribution. Overkill? Never. If God loves a cheerful giver, parents love a cheerful receiver!

All right, I've preached enough. Time to follow my own advice and whip those young ones into shape. Because, as I've mentioned already this month, manners are important--both in the moment and for the future success of your child!

From the mouths of parents...playdate peeves

This month I'm taking on the high interest/somewhat emotional topic of kids behaving badly at other people's homes. I surveyed over twenty parents concerning playdate, birthday party, and sleepover behavior and really wasn't all that surprised by what got tempers ticking!

Here's the list of the top four pet peeves at playdates...

1. Parents ignoring bad behavior. Hosting parents were frustrated not so much by the bad behavior itself (hey, every kid is going to have a nuclear meltdown at some point!) as much as they were irritated by a parent overlooking a child's bad behavior. And this goes for all ages of children. One mom said her pet peeve is when a mom "lets her child, who is younger than my child, just take a toy from mine because her child is younger, without correcting the child to share and ask for a turn." Moral of the story? It's never too early to teach proper behavior, or to call your child out if he or she isn't using good manners. 

2. Disrespecting property. Parents mentioned that disrespecting the host family's property (or even pets) was a big problem. One mom wrote on her survey, "My biggest pet peeve is having a child over that is a little more 'wild' than others, and the parent doesn't pay attention to what that child is doing or how that child is treating other children. Then I am stuck feeling like I have to watch the child the entire time instead of socializing with the other parents." And that's not fun for anyone.

3. Improper manners. Calling a mom only by her first name. Not asking permission to enter closed-off rooms. Forgetting to say "please" or "thank you." These were all things that did not impress parents. Simple manners make big impressions, so don't overlook teaching your children how to show the respect that other adults (and kids) deserve.

4. Neglecting to help pick up. "It's easy to let your kids play up until the last minute when you need to leave and there is no time for cleaning up, but people will be much more willing to host again if their house isn't in shambles when the party leaves!" one mom claimed. And she wasn't alone. Most parents agreed that guests who helped picked up would be more welcome to come over again.

So, in an effort to help you (and me) avoid becoming persona non grata at playdates, I located a very helpful article on Carolina Parent that dealt with common playdate behavior problems. The best part of the article is its list of books that can help prepare a child for a playdate, as well as their list of the top social skills for those ages 2 through 5. These include the following:

- Introductions
- Sharing
- Cleaning up
- Saying "Please" and "Thank you"

 I quickly drew a line from these social skills to the frustrations mentioned by the parents in my survey.The article also urged parents to help kids practice these manners at home. See more here.

At the end of the day, I think it's important to remember two things. First of all, manners are not only for the benefit of the person you visit, but manners are also something your child will need to lead a successful life. Second, our children's manners are an extension of our own consideration for other people, so if you don't care how your child treats other people or their property, it unfortunately shows the same carelessness in you.

And a little goes a long way. Parents mentioned time and again that it was just a single good behavior that shaped their impression of a child. Good manners leaves a good feeling, and that leads to a gathering where everyone wins!

Playdates, sleepovers, and parties, oh my! Cue summer... and some manners!

Cue summer! Time for pool parties and impromptu sleepovers, preschool playdates and summer travel. During this time of year, you're likely to spend more time than ever relaxing with friends and family, which means your kiddos will either be in hand or off enjoying their own socialization.

And that brings me to...manners...and parents' worst pet peeves with visitors.

Groan. Moan. I know, I know. But I bet you're more interested in this subject than you pretend! In fact, the moment I said manners, I bet those eyeballs perked right up, wondering if your pet peeve made the list, and whether your kids measure up.

Well, let's get started.

For the month of June, I'll be tackling three problem areas that parents have identified, where bad behavior turns fun events into nightmares. I've surveyed over twenty parents to get feedback, with the promise of keeping the complaints anonymous (guess those moms and dads have some good manners...or maybe we just don't want to seem snarky!).

Here's what we'll be discussing...

Playdate Peeves...If you're a mom or dad of a young child, you know that generally, if you schedule it, they will come. But here's the thing. Whether you're inviting one or two families over, or an entire moms' group, chances are just one badly behaved kid can make or break the experience. The biggest complaint? Parents who don't keep that parental "eye" out to call out their kid if he or she is misbehaving. For more on this, check back June 12.

Party Frustrations...Surely you have recently attended or thrown a party for a child under ten. Kids in the first decade of life are not known for quiet conduct. And that's understandable. But put a little cake, juice, and the promise of new toys in the mix, and kids can get downright rowdy. On June 19, we'll discuss proper party manners for your kids, whether it's a party you're attending with them or not. Because, you don't want your kid to be the talk of the party. Not until college at least!

Visitor Vexations...And finally, the sleepover. Whether it's at Grandma's or the house of the most popular kid at school, before you ever send those kiddos with suitcases--anywhere--it's best to go over some ground rules and identify with the adult in charge anything that could become an issue at night. And the last thing you want is for your kid to be digging through someone else's refrigerator or master bedroom at 2 a.m. Respecting private space was the thing parents mentioned to me as critical to enjoying anyone's visit.  Stay tuned for more June 26.

So let's get ready to get down and dirty. Because if those kids shape up their behavior and throw out some "please" and "thank you's," there's a good chance people will be talking about you and your children behind your back...in the nicest way possible.

Food allergy recipe sites...best of the web

To finish off this month's exploration of handling your child's food allergies, I'm giving you a list of some of the top recipe sites for allergen-free cooking and baking. While all the parents I've spoken to over the past month have discussed the challenges of helping their children stay away from foods that are dangerous for them, not one complained about the work it took to protect their kiddos. So, in an effort to assist even further, here are some resources. There are many, many helpful sites, but I tried to pinpoint those that offered more than just a handful of recipes...

For a variety of food allergies...

Allergic Living Allergy Safe Recipes - This site has a large index of recipes covering every meal and occasion. It also offers information about food allergies and blogs that discuss common questions. You can also subscribe to the magazine.

Living Without - This site highlights living without gluten (wheat), but offers recipes that address multiple food allergies. It is also a magazine.

Kids With Food Allergies - This site allows you to select which allergen to avoid while searching for recipes, which is a nifty little feature!

Peanut-free (and nut-free) recipes...

PeanutAllergy.com Nut-Free Recipes

Food.com Nut-Free Recipes

Huffington Post Nut-Free Recipes


Milk-free recipes...

Allrecipes.com Dairy-Free Recipes

Go Dairy Free

Food.com Lactose-Free Recipes


Gluten-free recipes...

Simply Gluten-Free

National Foundation for Celiac Awareness Seasonal Recipes

Gluten-Free Goddess Recipes

Food.com Gluten-Free Recipes


Egg-free recipes...

Allrecipes.com Egg-Free Recipes

Elana's Pantry

Food.com Egg-Free Recipes


Always happy to add more, so please comment if you've found a similarly helpful site!

Food allergies...what's ahead

Over the past few weeks, I've been sharing information from other Edmond parents about their experiences with handling their children's food allergies. What I heard time and again was that parents are doing the best they can, but all wish (and hope) the food allergy would go away for their children.

The parents didn't complain about extra work or inconveniences to them. No, none of them minded caring for a child with a food allergy and ensuring his or her safety. The frustration with food allergies comes from the stigma parents believe it creates for their child.

Because of this, several parents were looking toward strides made in food allergy research. Carly Harris, an Edmond mom with a young son suffering from milk, egg, and peanut allergies, hopes her son will outgrow his allergies (and there's hope that he might, at least for the milk and egg allergies). However, she also anticipates strides in food allergy research may lead to better treatment. "I have heard that there is a program offered by local allergy doctors where they can challenge the allergens and eventually make the children build up a tolerance to the foods," Harris says. "I am very hopeful to look into this."

And her hopes are not off base. Dr. Tim Trojan of the Oklahoma Institute of Allergy and Asthma says that treatment has become available (as well as more accepted) that exposes children to small amounts of the allergen, creating a tolerance to it over time. "This may be a treatment to pursue," says Dr. Trojan, "if the allergy is creating a very negative impact on a person's quality of life."

However, he warns, having an "EpiPen" (epinephrine) on hand is imperative, as those who have been exposed to any allergen are at greater risk for an allergic reaction (see symptoms here).

News about research on food allergy treatment can be found on the website for Food Allergy Research & Education (FARE). Currently, the only method known for preventing a reaction is avoiding the food to which the child is allergic. The organization's treatment page also lists medications used for treating reactions. The treatment Harris mentioned, immunotherapy (also known as "allergy shots"), is experimental at the moment, but it has been known to be effective. More information can be found on the website for the American College of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology. 

If you are ready to get more aggressive about tackling a food allergy, Dr. Trojan strongly suggests getting a recommendation for a board certified allergist from your child's pediatrician (you can also search for one here). A doctor who specializes in food allergies should be up to date on what treatments are available and also what is appropriate for your child.

Well, that's all for this week. Check back next week when we take a lighter approach to food allergies and post some links to recipes that tackle cooking with missing ingredients!

From the frontline...Edmond parents share their food allergy struggles

This month, I've taken on the subject of food allergies in kids. So far, we've covered how these allergies make themselves known and how you as a parent can go about getting a proper diagnosis for your child. It's a frustrating, emotional battle, as I discovered while interviewing several parents who face these allergies on a daily basis.
 
So, if you or someone you know is facing the challenge of their child's food allergy, here are some others on the front line, parents taking on this diagnosis one day at a time...
 
Discovery...

Edmond mom Linda Fry learned her daughter had a food allergy when her daughter was five years old. "She went outside to feed squirrels some walnuts, and when she came back in, her face and hands were swollen twice their normal size. Her eyes were almost swollen shut." A visit to the doctor confirmed a nut allergy.
 
Two other Edmond moms, Carly Harris and Rachel Ambruso, both discovered their sons' food allergies before the boys turned a year old. Both mothers had breastfed, and it was only at the introduction of outside food when the truth was discovered.
 
Harris' son, a twin, was nursed for six months. "Though I consumed dairy," Harris explained, "he never had a problem vomiting until we started trying to feed him things directly such as cheese and yogurt. I remember feeding him yogurt and his face got so red and swollen that his eyes were almost shut." Skin prick tests done by a doctor confirmed a dairy allergy, as well as allergies to peanuts and eggs.
 
Ambruso's experience was similar. After her eight-month-old son started losing weight on a diet of breast milk and baby food, the pediatrician suggested supplementing with formula. "We tried it that evening.  Having been exclusively breastfed, the bottle only touched his lips, and he refused to open his mouth for it.  At the same time, my husband gave him a bite of his peach yogurt.  Within a minute, his face started breaking out and just kept getting worse and worse." They had difficulty getting in to see an allergist due to their son's young age, but when he was finally seen at 13 months, the results of the skin test were extensive, with confirmation of allergies to milk, bananas, nuts, and eggs.
 
 
Managing the allergy...
 
All three parents named food avoidance as the number one strategy for avoiding allergic reactions and managing the food allergy(ies) successfully.

For Fry, the best course of action is being aware. "We’ve learned to avoid foods that we know cause allergic reactions. We’re very careful when trying new things and make sure the school knows about my daughter's allergies." She also mentioned that she checks at parties on food's ingredients.

Harris echoed this method. "To manage my son's food allergies, I have to modify foods. He will actually eat macaroni plain (without the cheese packet, milk, or butter). Several pizza places will make a cheese-less pizza. Often, we just avoid giving certain things to him and check ingredient labels."

Ambruso also uses food avoidance to manage her son's allergies, saying, "We have found all kinds of alternative foods that resemble 'the real thing.'  We started giving him Organic Soy to drink (once he stopped nursing), and we are now switching him to coconut milk." In addition, she reads the food label every time she purchases a product, because ingredients can change, and she keeps Benadryl and an epinephrine on hand for emergencies.

The impact of allergies...

All three moms said the worst part of their child having food allergies is being the odd-man out at so many events. As parents, they hate having their child left out or unable to enjoy family or cultural traditions. Also, a parent may have to take on the outcast role too. Sometimes, "There is the feeling that you are being picky or a nuisance," adds Harris.

Ambruso is worried about her son's change from a mother's day out program to regular school, where there will be less opportunity to help control what he's exposed to. She hopes her son will outgrow his allergies, and that hope has been strengthened by words from her doctor. "His allergist said there is an 80 percent chance he will outgrow the egg and dairy allergy by the age of 5." However, "The chances of outgrowing the peanut and tree nut allergies aren't nearly as high, and his allergist said he could possibly have them for life."

Harris also hopes her son will outgrow his allergies, but on the same note, she's excited about strides in food allergy research. "I have heard that there is a program offered by local allergy doctors where they can challenge the allergens and eventually make the children build up a tolerance to the foods. I am very hopeful to look into this."

Fry tries to stay positive as well, but in the short term, she knows the battle is up to them. "The best thing we can do is be knowledgeable about the allergies and take precautions."

Check back next week as we talk about those new strides in food allergies, and who you can speak with in Edmond about the latest treatments.